Befriending Your Money

It’s true I guess that the first thing that comes to mind when most of us think of money isn’t friendship.  But I’ve been thinking a lot about this of late.  What connection can there be between money and friendship?

There are, of course, some obvious links.  Money can be pressed into service to help our friends.  It can be spent in a compassionate and generous way.  We can spend it to do good and therefore exhibit our basic friendliness towards others or the planet or a country, an unfortunate group, or a person in need.

These are all worthy uses of our money and they most certainly do connect it to the themes of friendship and kindness in our lives.

But my thoughts of late have been focused on a more subtle theme than these expressions of goodness.  More subtle than these actions that others can see.

Is it possible, I’ve wondered, to regard our own money as a friend?

I have written about the fact that money is no more than a tool, a neutral instrument that we put to use in so many ways in our lives.  I’ve described in detail the many ways I’ve seen people infuse money with emotion.  We’ve all seen instances where we or others whom we know have regarded money with greed or used it as a weapon. And lately it seems, more than anything, Americans have expressed great fear when it comes to their money.

So if we could look on money with fear or greed, if we can pour our emotions out on this tool that’s so essential to our daily lives, why can we not also consider it a friend?  What would that feel like?

Considering our money as our friend may seem like a somewhat silly idea.   But I would suggest that, without realizing it, many of us consider it an enemy.
We feel that it eludes us, that we can never understand it.  If we have it, we fear losing it as if it had some life of its own and could simply get up and walk away.  Many Americans believe that people who have money are bad people – that they cannot be good simply because they have this stuff.  Even as so many aspire for more and more money, they condemn those who have a great deal of it (or at least those who have more than they do).  And as for those who don’t have enough money, some among us blame them for their own lot in life.

Suffice it to say, our attitudes towards money are rather complicated.  At the very least, considering our money a friend might make us step back and look at it with new eyes.  Could it help us to relax a bit?  Befriending our money would be so much gentler than focusing on the money we don’t have, the money we should have, or the money we wish we had.  It might just mean appreciating the money we DO have.

So why not look on money as a friend?  Money does, after all, make all kinds of things possible in our daily lives – big things, like educating our children and small things like enjoying that first cup of coffee in the morning.  Life would be infinitely more complicated in our society if we didn’t have money to facilitate the exchange of goods and services.

Ultimately however, I believe looking on our money with the kindness and love with which we would consider a good friend would express compassion primarily for ourselves.  That softer, gentler attitude would help us to relax around money, appreciate all the ways in which it makes our lives better – no matter how much or how little we have.  It would allow us to let go of some of the fears we have about not being able to handle it or understand it or control it.  We could unclench our fists and our hearts and stop worrying so much about others having more than we feel they should or worrying that they might take some of ours.  We could begin to enjoy our money even if we only have enough to cover the basics. Money is a great energy in our lives and our society.  Maybe it’s time we look on it with a little kindness and treat it more like the friend it really is.

The End of College Money

We’re so accustomed to thinking of money as a symbol of security or power or success or influence.  But can it also be a symbol of love?

Money and Love?  Can they really go together if we’re talking about something other than the love of money?   Until recently I might not have thought so.  But then I encountered a situation in my own life where money was all about love.  It made me sad and happy all at once, brought tears and memories and joy.

Being the good financial advisor that I am, I have always been very serious about saving money for what was a high priority in my family – education.  And so from the time my kids were infants, their dad and I put money aside for their college.  Through thick and thin we saved – when we could easily afford it and when we couldn’t.  There were some gifts from grandparents and, of course, the stock market made its contribution as well.

After what seemed like years, my oldest was ready for college and, happily, there was a pool of tuition money that meant she had a few choices about what schools she could attend.

She began what turned out to be a glorious and successful college career for her – exactly what any parent would hope for and just what this young girl from Oklahoma dreamed of.

Now, four years later, she’s ready to graduate and move into the next phase of life.  And so, not too long ago, I wrote the last check to her school.  I withdrew the last amount from that college fund.  The money had done its job.  It had lasted.  We’d made it through. The goal had been met.  My girl was ready to graduate, step out into the world and take it by storm.

But the last check?  Really?    As I wrote out that check, my eyes filled with tears.  I felt such a mix of emotions.  I know that many parents would have felt jubilation, success, and relief.  And I felt those things too.  But I also felt my love for her and the end of an era.  It wasn’t just the end of the college bills and the end of the college fund.  It was the end of a stage of her life and mine.

Some people might say that money is a poor symbol for all the emotion that goes with this monumental transition in the life of your first born.  But why not money?

Money had been the object of all my work and her dad’s as we saved.

Money had been one more way grandparents could participate in her future.

Money, successfully saved, had given her choices so that she could reach for the best education available to her.

And money had carried her through to launch her now into this next exciting phase of her life.

Of course it wasn’t all about the money.  It was about her hard work, her family’s love for her and trust in her abilities.  It was about our faith in her potential and her faith in her own future.

It wasn’t all about the money at all.  But money played a part and, as I wrote that last check, I thanked the money and the grace that it bestowed.

Money did represent love here and it did mark a passing – the passing of time, the achievement of success, a step into the future, and yes, the expression of love.

Rock/ Paper/ Scissors

In helping people make decisions on investments, we often ask folks to tell us how much risk they’re comfortable taking.  But can be a hard question to answer.  It’s hard to describe “how much” risk is acceptable and “how much” is too much.  And so our clients often say things like  “I just don’t want to lose any money.”  Or sometimes it’ll be something like “I can handle risk as long as it doesn’t go down too much.”  But at other times, the question of risk just draws a blank stare.

One way that we can help people begin to quantify what we like to call their “risk tolerance” is to ask them the following question:   On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being super conservative (absolutely guaranteed etc.) and 10 being way out there (They’ll be delivering pork bellies to your driveway soon.), where would you put yourself FOR THIS MONEY?    It’s not a perfect way to get at this question, but it’s a start.  From there we can refine things.

People answer this question in different ways. Sometimes it’s along the lines of “I’m somewhere in the middle – like a 6 or maybe a 4.”  Occasionally, it’ll be a strong response like “I’m a 9!”  But most folks are a bit vague in their answers. “Somewhere around a 5 perhaps.”  And that helps us a great deal.

Recently though I posed this question to a woman who just looked at me with a wry smile.

“Are you kidding me???  On a scale of 1-10?  Well honey, I’m a negative 2!  No  risk at all.  Why when I was a kid, my dad liked to play rock/paper/scissors for pennies.  No sir.  I never played.  I was hanging on to my pennies.”

No doubt the direction we needed to go with her money.  Everything conservative, predictable, safe.

Now you can say what you like about needing to take a little risk sometimes if you want to make money in an investment and that’s true.  But this was her money and she didn’t want to.  And that’s what fascinated me so much about her.  She knew herself very well.  She knew what she wanted and what she didn’t want.  She was fully aware of what would keep her up at night and what it took for a good night’s sleep.  And in all of that, she was unusual.

How many of us really do know ourselves that well?  How many of us are as willing as she to decide what exactly we need and want and then to live with the consequences?  She sacrificed return for security, plain and simple. She understood that.  The grass wasn’t greener on the other side for her.  No the grass was just fine right where she stood.

Some people might criticize her, call her a scardy cat.  I doubt that she would care.  She knew what she needed – no risk.  She knew what she wanted – security.  She knew how to ask for it.  GOOD FOR HER!

Many Joys Wrapped into One

The holiday season is over – safely packed away for another year.  The New Year has been rung in with all the appropriate festivities.  And now it’s time to gather up those documents that are needed for tax filing! Always such a sobering transition to make after all the fun.
But my mind is still on the fun that we all had at the end of the year.  And in thinking back on it, I realize that one of my children offered me a graceful lesson this holiday season.  It seems one or the other of them always has something to teach me.  They really are my greatest teacher!

It was my daughter this time, a senior in college, a young woman at that important time in life that comes just before jumping off into greater independence and self-sufficiency.  College almost finished, a tough job market but still lots of potential, a possible move.  Gangs of friends making plans for the next phase of life and wondering exactly where they’ll be.  There’s lots going on for her.

For my daughter, like most college students, there have been times when “spending money” has been pretty tight.  The experience of living on a strict budget isn’t a bad thing of course.  There’s a lot to be learned there.  I actually overheard her tell her brother when they were talking about what he would do in the summer, “You’ll be amazed at how little you can live on!”

In fact, she’s become very good with that small budget and this year had managed to save up some money for Christmas in order to buy gifts for the family.  And so, one afternoon, she borrowed her brother’s car (a valuable exercise in negotiation) and set out to shop.
When she got home, I met up with her and was pleased to see her in an excellent mood.  She seemed almost jubilant.  (Have you noticed how shopping – especially Christmas shopping – sometimes puts people in a bad mood – crowds, money, hurry?)  But she was in great spirits.
“You seem pretty happy.  How did the shopping go?” I asked.

“That felt so good!” She exclaimed.  “You know, there were so many times last summer when I really didn’t have any extra money to spend.  But I’m making a little more now and so I saved up for this.  It felt great to be able to go out and get these gifts.  It was fun to pick them out.  I even had $10 left over to put a little gas in the car.  That felt so good!”

She even told me that the friend who was shopping with her commented that it was cool the way she was budgeting.  A budget – the mark of adulthood!

For my daughter that afternoon, her money had lots of meaning.  First and foremost, it was independence.  And also achievement.  And an opportunity to share and express gratitude (a little left over for gas).  She was using her money to feel her self-sufficiency. A proud accomplishment!

And for me it was a reminder about stopping to enjoy the moment and all our small victories, about meeting our goals and then celebrating the fact that we have.  And it was about having a little fun too!

Our Business Connections

I recently had a note from a client I’d known for about 20 years.  In the time we’ve worked together, he’s gone through many changes in his life and I have as well.  He told me in his note that he was moving away and that as he prepares to leave, he has begun to think about all the people who’ve been important to him during the phase of his life spent in this town.  I’m honored to be on that list.  He was writing to say thanks, to express appreciation, and to say he hoped we have another 20 years of working together from a distance.

His kind note really got me thinking about how significant all of our business connections can be.  Yes, in my work, it’s all about business and money and growth and the markets.  But it’s also about so much more than that.  It’s about the changes in peoples’ lives and the hard financial decisions we all have to make from time to time.  It’s always been about money – but money throughout births and deaths, money as we take on awesome responsibilities like caring for the elderly, money put in the service of great causes, money to heirs.  It’s been about money for sure, but always connected to something important, like retirement, sending kids off to college, starting a new business or retiring from one.  It’s always been about so much more than money. Really it’s been about our dreams, our aspirations, our fondest hopes and our greatest fears.  And I’ve always been honored to be a part of the money side of my clients’ lives.
 

What a great business I’m in!  How lucky I am for my business connections.

Sweet, Sweet Money

Sometimes our relationships to our money are sentimental.  Wall Street might tell us that it shouldn’t be so, but really, why not?  A young man told me an interesting story recently about the way in which money from his father had taken on a special sweet significance. 

This young man’s father had died when he was only in his mid-20’s.  Sometime after the older man’s death he learned that he would be inheriting some money.  Money from his dead father.  It wasn’t unwelcome, of course, but this kind of news is always bittersweet. 

The money he was to receive was already invested and one part of it was invested in a type of investment that most young people don’t use – a very conservative portfolio of bonds that paid a regular interest payment.  And so we discussed selling this bond portfolio and moving the proceeds to something that might suit a young man better— something more aggressive or something more growth oriented.  But for some reason, he hesitated.  He said he wanted to “live with it” for awhile. 

Ultimately, he decided not to sell this bond investment.  His reasons were clear and very sweet.  “You know,” he said.  “I love getting that little check every month.  Each time I get one, I think of dad.  It’s like he’s giving me my allowance again!”

Money is Fun!

I write a lot about the serious side of money – investments, planning, emotions, spiritual potential.  But I probably don’t write enough about how money is fun.  Of course, it’s fun because of all the fun things we can do with it.  But for many people – and I’m one of them – money is just plain fun.  I enjoy counting it, projecting forward to calculate how much it can grow to, watching it circulate around the world, converting it into its many different forms, using it to solve problems and, most of all, observing its relationship to its owner.
Interestingly, I’m not particularly fond of numbers.  I don’t like working with them in other contexts.  It’s working with them when they’re attached to money that I enjoy.

Now I do realize that all this probably makes me sound quite superficial.  But my appreciation of money is a bit like the appreciation a gardener has for good tools or a craftsman has for his shop.  Money is my workshop and I love it!

Emotional Decisions

Even though I’ve written often about the fact that our emotions are deeply involved in our financial lives, I’ve written far less about the opposite.  How money permeates our emotional lives. 

It’s amazing to me at times the extent to which some of our most important decisions come down to the money – especially those things that we would not consider to be particularly “financial”. 

Take for example, the case of a client of mine who lost her husband a few years back.  After a long period of mourning, she met another wonderful man and they decided to marry.  But there was a problem.  She was receiving social security based on her late husband’s earnings.  If she married before the age of 60, she lost that income for good.

So, of course, marriage is out of the question for the time being for this couple. They must wait until she turns 60 so as not to lose a vital portion of her income.

Now does the fact that they can’t marry right now mean that they aren’t happy or won’t have a wonderful relationship?  Of course not.  They’re simply being practical.  But nonetheless it’s true that money plays a large part in this very important and highly emotional decision.

Is this a bad thing?  I don’t really think so.  Their story simply underscores the extent to which money courses its way through our lives.  On some level it’s a part of all our dealings.  And it colors a lot of our thinking.

Our money decisions are often very emotional.  And sometimes, our emotional decisions are highly financial!

Financial Courage

We’ve all seen stories of great courage when friends or loved ones have found themselves faced with an uncommon challenge.  We’ve all seen individuals deal with illness or sorrow with grace and strength.  These stories are inspiring.
But we rarely associate money with courage. Courage seems so lofty and money so ordinary.  And yet, there is such a thing as financial courage and it can be inspiring too.  It can be recognized by its realism – a willingness to look a difficult financial situation square in the face and not be afraid.  Or even more inspiring – to be afraid but still make a courageous decision.
Years ago I knew a woman whose husband left her with two young children.  She didn’t have too much money but she did have some earning power.  She was a nurse and could easily have stepped out and found a decent job.  This is what most of us would have done, especially given the responsibility of the two children. 
But she decided that she was ready to step up and take a chance.  As much as she enjoyed nursing, her heart told her that her real gifts were in education.  And so she took a giant leap of faith, borrowed some money and went back to school for an advanced degree in nursing education.  She knew this was where she belonged and she was willing to take the financial risk to make it happen.  And she has never looked back!
The inspiring part of this story is that she listened to her heart and then made the financial decision to support it, even though that decision must have caused her more than a little fear.  I think the majority of us in her shoes would have taken the sure thing – and there would have been nothing wrong with that.  But there’s no question that she is a far happier woman today because she followed her heart back then and didn’t allow fear, uncertainty or finances to hold her down.  Yes indeed, there is such a thing as financial courage.